Good day, my Frugalistas. I read an article about how some people who have large loads of debt are missing out on love. When one woman, Allison Brooke Eastman,told her husband-to-be how much student loan debt she had ($170,000), he broke off the engagement. Ouch.
I definitely think you should talk about your financial status when you are in a relationship. I just think the better your finances, the more eager you are to have the conversation. In Eastman’s case, she thought she had $100,000 worth of debt when it was really $170,000. That extra $70,000 gave her fiance cold feet. Is there really that big of a difference when you get to six figures like that? He was ok with six figures of debt before. She paid the monthly note.
I know I blab all about my finances (past and present) and will do more of it when my book drops in January. I definitely think that if you have a lot of debt, you need to bust your butt to get it managed. Yes, that means finding higher paying work. Perhap’s Eastman’s mate would have been more forgiving of her debt if she were a corporate attorney and not an X-Ray technician and photographer.
It’s so sad. I always says that being a working professional comes with its own set of expenses. Student loans suck, especially in a bad economy when pay scales are lower and job security is nonexistent, essentially.
Would you break up with someone who had large sums of debt? How much debt is too much? When should you disclose your amount of debt? Was the woman’s boyfriend wrong for breaking up the engagement? Is for richer or poorer a joke?
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s more about stability than anything. When you get married, you want to rest assured knowing your mate is stable in every way that is important to you. I think we’d all like to be with a mate who is stable financially, but would I terminate a relationship if my mate wasn’t stable? I don’t think I would.
My reaction to a mate with debt would depend on whether they are taking the steps to change their situation. $160K with a solid plan to pay it off, or $160K down from $200K is much different from $160K & steadily increasing. I would not terminate a relationship, but it would be difficult to move forward with things like buying a house when my partner has that much debt.
I almost did — husband was supposed to get his credit card paid off before we got married. He didn’t, and I had a fit. Then, I looked at what the debt was, and a lot of it was our dating expenses and his applications to law school (those apps are expensive!)
So… we had a long talk about what we were going to put on the credit card and what we weren’t. And he was seriously a changed man. We’re on the same page now and it is wonderful!
I think one of the big issues here is the fact that she didn’t know whether she had $100k or $170k debt to pay – that’s a huge difference!
I think massive debt could be a deal breaker – especially if you don’t have a plan to pay it off.
Gracious! My readers are no suckers. Somehow, I’m not surprised. You guys have great tastes in blogs.
This woman clearly didn’t have a clue how much debt she was in. Perhaps I was being a bit romantic when I thought he was a tad rude for dropping his bride-in-waiting. Looking at it a few days later, I could see why her mate jumped ship. It’s better for him to move on before the wedding and they end up in divorce. I didn’t go to graduate school because I didn’t want any more college loans. It still remains one of the best financial decisions I’ve made.
It depends on how the news of the debt makes you feel. There should be a point in a relationship where the couple can ask questions and share info (like past marriages, do they want or have kids). Who you are financially and what your plan for the future fits right into this conversation. If you leave it out and wait until you get the ring or give a ring the other person might feel like you are using them to get ahead on this debt. I wouldn’t want to marry someone in debt. That’s depressing and just think how sad you’ll be when all you do is worry about the budget and the financial strain. You don’t want to start your new life with the weight of the world on your shoulders. It’s just not fair. My advice be upfont as soon as you can. Once a person knows what they are dealing with they may choose to develop a plan with you and once things are downsized and under control see you as a responsible person and marry you anyway. Good luck